Alvin's story

In the beginning, I didn't know much about gay. The first memory I have of gay existing, and still not really knowing what it was all about, was when I was about 8 or 9. I was with my parents and younger siblings, on the Lower East Side at my uncle's fruit and vegetable store. I saw a teenaged latino, who was partially dressed in women's clothing, and acting in a very effeminate manner. Thinking about it, probably in an exagerated manner. Asking my father about this individual, he described him as a fairy.

At that point I had no idea what he meant, probably thinking it referred only to very effeminate men. Most of the rest of the time there were feelings without understanding,and of course denial,until I came out socially, at 36 years of age. Sexually I came out at 18, or at least had my first sexual experience with a man. I've never been able to have sex with a woman. I attempted dating women from age 16, but physically it was no more than kissing and hugging.

All of my friends and acquaintances were straight as far as I knew. It was wonderful to have friends, but needs, were not being met. I was terrified and ignorant about looking for and finding gay men, except for sex, which was generally anonymous. Having a crush on one of my closest friends also kept me from looking elsewhere. Eventually, the friendship ended.

Again there were feelings of guilt, shame and some self-loathing. Even after I had come out socially, these feelings persisted. Only the death of my mother gave me a release to seek out gay venues.