Alvin's story

In the beginning, I didn't know much about gay. The first memory I have of gay existing, and still not really knowing what it was all about, was when I was about 8 or 9. I was with my parents and younger siblings, on the Lower East Side at my uncle's fruit and vegetable store. I saw a teenaged latino, who was partially dressed in women's clothing, and acting in a very effeminate manner. Thinking about it, probably in an exagerated manner. Asking my father about this individual, he described him as a fairy.

At that point I had no idea what he meant, probably thinking it referred only to very effeminate men. Most of the rest of the time there were feelings without understanding,and of course denial,until I came out socially, at 36 years of age. Sexually I came out at 18, or at least had my first sexual experience with a man. I've never been able to have sex with a woman. I attempted dating women from age 16, but physically it was no more than kissing and hugging.

All of my friends and acquaintances were straight as far as I knew. It was wonderful to have friends, but needs, were not being met. I was terrified and ignorant about looking for and finding gay men, except for sex, which was generally anonymous. Having a crush on one of my closest friends also kept me from looking elsewhere. Eventually, the friendship ended.

Again there were feelings of guilt, shame and some self-loathing. Even after I had come out socially, these feelings persisted. When my mother passed away, I lost some of my inhibitions, and feelings of guilt and started to, attend a gay Overeaters meetings, as well as the gay Synagogue which was the beginning of a social life and responsible for 90% of my friendships until recently,as well as a few short term "romantic" relationships. Almost 40 years later I'm still in the same place socially.

Today being a senior citizen,I wonder what I've learned from my life experiences, if anything? How can I make changes to improve my existence, in this far more permissive and generally more accepting society? It is frightening to think about getting older and being alone. There are no easy answers for me. It's so easy to find answers for someone else.